Sunday, September 11, 2016
the last person who wrote on my blog was the one who hurt me the most. all the tears, alcohol, fears, scars - all to be alright again. sometimes i wonder. is it gonna be the same again.the same trajectory, the same path, just with different people. people always let you down, one way or another. It sucks to hope, it sucks to wish for something. cause they always take it away from you before it becomes a reality. its better to be dead than to live with hope.
sometimes i dont know who i can tell everything to. i always thought i could tell you things, but lately i think i wore you down the most. life caught up with us. projects, school, work, friends. they all started to demand from you and i guess you cant catch your breath too. i know you are tired, and im sorry i wear you down with my emotions. i hate myself i really do. as much as i want to make your life better, i am still the one making you tired. this is one of the nights i give in to all my fears and insecurities. let the demon reign in my world. it has been quite long since i've felt this way. maybe she was right, i was too clingy, i controlled her by not letting her club, i needed her attention. hence i built up that wall. i refused to be clingy, refused to control, refused to care. yet now you unleashed all these and i dont know how to feel. i dont know myself. am i really that fucked up. am i such a burden. you told me to be myself, but yet i dont know if i can really do that if i will wear you down. maybe its better to be more independent again. maybe not. i feel so lost i dont even know where to start thinking from. Yet i know on nights like this i cant tell you how i really feel, cause thats just a burden. and i dont want to be a burden. i need to be that perfect human - the one that you perhaps look up to, the one that your parents like. maybe i just feel inadequate. maybe i just really hate myself, thats why im always questioning myself. i wish i could be stronger, to know when i am right and when i am wrong, when i am being ridiculous and when i am not, so that i can stop feeling sorry about myself, so that i can stop questioning myself.
yet im not, i feel the same way as 3 years ago. what did i do wrongly - i dont know. i just think about the moments when things start to fuck up. the turning points when people start to leave. when you told me you might not want to come even if your parents allow, i felt disappointed. i know i shouldnt hide. but i cant help but to fear burdening you with my emotions and expectations again. what should i do. stuck in between honesty and love. thats why i dont want to hope again, i stopped hoping a long time ago, i dont know when and why i started to hope again. i know you probably have your reason, but since you dont want to say, i wont force you to too, perhaps till a better day. but i just feel disappointed, cause i really wanted you to come and i thought you wanted to too. now i just question myself for being assuptuous. i assumed that you wanted to see me as much as i do, maybe you dont. maybe this is where everything starts to crumble. maybe you will turn your back some day too. yes i have my pessimism too.
this was the same as the day before. it was stupid but i felt disappointed too. i guess i am still alone in my projected future with you. whats new. i am always alone. im not surprised if i die alone and young some day. if things dont work out, i really dont think theres much to live for. i dont know whats there to look forward to anymore. look forward to being rich and alone? no thanks. money can go fuck itself. this happens when you give your entire life to someone. to project them in your future, to think of them as your only one. yes, these are desired traits in fairy tales. but no in life, people rather fuck with you and leave - even if you are a guy. i dont regret falling in love with you, i still love you like hell. but you are making me really scared - cause i make you tired when i feel down, cause i feel like you dont want to be with me anymore. and it doesnt help that you are being all work-minded and busy most of the time now. i dont know how i'll cope with exchange. i know i always sound optimistic and confident that everything will work out. but lets face it, if work, friends, family are going to fill up your time and space, are you really able to fit me into your life? i feel like this huge burden that is trying to fit into your life. and i am clogging it up badly that you are feeling flustered and suffocated. yes suffocated, i made her feel suffocated once before, maybe thats what i do, i suffocate people with my presence and love. thats why i hate myself. i dont know how things are going to turn out. i get jumpy the moment i feel like you are leaving, i get panicky the moment i cant feel your emotions. im sorry i lied about going to sleep tonight, i dont want to burden you anymore tonight. i want to ask you why you dont want to come find me in poland, even though i am fearful of the answer i might get. in the recent past, i will just be like "dont come dont come lo, idgaf" see how unhealthy it was, how much i didnt care back then after that bitch. now i remember why i was that way, cause people disappoint you when you hope. in some ways it was still better to live with no hope than be disappointed. at least it doesnt hurt.
sometimes i wish you could be slightly more sensitive to my fears, but i know you are stressed up by life and couldnt care more about how i feel either. yet, cause i love you, i will still be sensitive and forgiving towards your insecurites and fears. (the dog need to fucking stop barking or i'll kill it) not that you dont care about me, i know you do. but perhaps i tire you out and its getting too shag to do it anymore. maybe you dont have the patience for me. i need to solve this on my own. i need to build up that wall again so that i dont hope for a future or even your presence. but i need to do that in a healthy manner for both of us. how is it healthy to not want someone or crave for someone. maybe i want it too badly, yes maybe i do. so i shouldnt.
to be honest, i dont know if i should meet you tomorrow, cause i get the feeling that you dont want to. how do you find the (yes i exploded at the dog, i hate myself) courage to keep on wanting someone even when the person seemingly doesnt want you. this is the reason why i dont text people if they dont text me. this is the reason why i dont send a second text if they dont reply. cause i dont have the courage to be there for someone when the person doesnt want me to be. else she would have said so right. i know you are busy and would like to clear your list of work, yet i know if i try to cancel it you will feel bad and guilty towards me. and perhaps if i cancel on you, we will miss the chance to make things alright again. so ya i hope tomorrow will be better for us.
i feel alot of fear i really do. i hate that bitch for bringing all these to me. whenever this happens i just try whatever i can to make her stay. maybe tomorrow i'll buy her herbal tea for her flu. maybe she will love me more. i feel so fucking insecure, as if i will lose everything overnight. i feel the need to over compensate for everything. i feel the need to dress properly so i dont get visually repulsive. i feel the need to be perfect so i dont fail.
i think you are probably having a mini shutdown on me now. thats why i feel this way. maybe its much needed after i accidentally burdened my emotions on you again. maybe thats why you dont feel like finding me anymore. why cant i have emotions. why cant i feel sad. why cant i just take 1 hour off to calm myself down without burdening you. is it cause i make you feel guilty in some ways for being responsible for my emotions. or perhaps im just tiring to cater to. i dont really know.
this afternoon i switched off my feelings. i killed off that little boy within me, i told him to be back another day cause i cant dream of a future anymore. i cant be dreamy when she smacks me with reality all the time. if he comes out he'll just get hurt all over again. i told myself not to be emotional again if she says something remotely pessimistic. yet now, just a few hours later, i feel so down again, just cause she said she might not be finding me in december. i guess we really took a few steps back with those few episodes. this feels like italy again. feels like pisa again. when all that we talked about was of the matter. and i cant feel your emotions again. thats the problem. i want to feel your emotions. (can the dog fucking shut up) what if i am okay with not feeling your emotions. how dysfunctional, but maybe life will be easier. i dont know. i dont know what i know anymore. (i feel like killing the dog, i dont need his voice in my head every time someone walks past the gate)
i know right now i just feel alone. i need to not give a fuck anymore. i need to be sane again. how am i going to cope being so far away from you. but you dont even want to come over. i need to find out why. else i'll never be over it and i will feel so bitter i will short change you. so ya i am going to ask you, someday. else i am going to think that since you are so alright with not seeing me, why should i be the one wanting to see you all the time. since you arent gna reply me, why should i text you. its the same concept. im just broken like that.
yet i know when i see your face tomorrow, i'll still want you so badly. i hate myself for being so weak. fact is i really love you, i really reallly do. so much so that i feel pain at every single notion of you not wanting to be with me.
for my own sanity, im going to assume that you have a good reason for not wanting to fly over. this is me deceiving myself again, just like the last time, until it is right in my face with another man. i dont know if you can feel this. i hope you dont and think that i am sleeping. but yeah, i hope you'll come back soon, i need to tell you some of this and ask you why you dont want to fly over. maybe i'll unleash the savage side of you by asking that. maybe not. im scared i am so scared. i just feel like you need to take a break from me. and focus on life. you dont need me now, not all the emotions and sadness over me flying away. yeah im gna make myself scarce.
still love you.
